Week 74..."I wish all that time ago I would have been brave enough to ask for more help."

"Let Him In" painting by Greg Olsen

I am so grateful for missionary work. It has made all the difference and has helped me to look outside of myself, to serve others around me. Each day is a new opportunity to do better and to help others along the same path. Each week my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ grows a little stronger. An important principal that I have learned on my mission is that rarely will the Spirit of the Lord impress upon us a monumental answer all at once but rather a gradual increase in the Spirit and in our testimony. As I reflect and look back on the start of my mission to now I have seen the Lord's hand and for that I am so grateful.

This past week has been quite the learning experience for me. As I grew up I never considered that depression or anything similar to it would have any effect in my life, and often times when others would say, perhaps you have depression, or perhaps you need to go see a counselor,  I would often say "no, no I don't think I need to see a counselor I just need to think more positive." So that is what I did. This pattern of thought continued for many years and I thought all would be well. I can work through this. The time to serve a mission was near and I was preparing myself to go. A mission has been something that I have always wanted to do my entire life, to be able to serve, to love, and to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I felt like nothing would stand in my way of me deciding to serve a mission for the Lord. To be honest I was a little scared and nervous but that was normal! 

The MTC was Spirit-filled, tons of fun, and a good environment to learn and apply the Gospel. When I reached the mission field I noticed small but obvious negative thoughts start to come. I figured to myself that it was normal and that I was just starting at my mission in the field. I continue to push through and told myself again and again that it is my choice to be happy or not to be happy. As time went on however it did not get any easier. There were really high moments in my mission and drastically low moments in the mission. I found myself on my knees time and time again pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me to be more positive because I knew that if I was not happy, if I was not positive then how could I expect myself to help people to find happiness in the Gospel. I knew full well that if I just faked it till I made it I would drive myself crazy. 

A couple of months ago I met with Sister Kunz who works in the mission office. She is one of my best friends on the mission and I am grateful for her! I shared with her about what has been going on and she looked at me and said, "Elder Shirley would you like to meet with the counselor and discuss with her about these things?" I thought about it for a moment and after a few minutes replied that I would think about it and next week I would let her know my decision. Well, the next week came and I told her that I would try my best to continue to be positive and that I just needed someone to open up to and share what was going on. 

For the next few months I did my best to maintain a positive attitude. Little by little however it begin to become progressively worse to the point where I started to become nonfunctional. Each day I would look forward to returning back home to my apartment because I couldn't handle being out and I needed some time to go and think. Most of the day was filled with thoughts of worthlessness, thoughts of regret, thoughts of hopelessness, and any negative thought that I could think of. I tried so hard to bring in positive thoughts but as hard as I tried, it never worked. Finally, after a several weeks of struggling I met with Sister Kunz again to talk with her about what was going on. She looked up at me and smiled and said, "Elder Shirley would you like some extra help?" I replied, "yes... this time I would like that." We set up an appointment with the doctor and a few days later I met with him. He discussed with me what Depression is and how it does not mean that I am weak or that I'm unable to face this challenge, it is simply a chemical imbalance. He prescribed me some medicine to take and told me to be patient. It has now been a few days since I have begun the medication and I have already seen such a difference in my life and in the way I think. 

Lost and Found painting by Greg Olsen

I share this because I wish all that time ago I would have been brave enough to ask for more help. To me, it seemed like this was my personal challenge that I needed to overcome and perhaps through reading talks and praying often I could overcome it. I now realize and feel the blessings of being able to have a clear mind and to be happy.

I often think about baptism, often times our investigators feel that they need more time to be absolutely sure that they have an answer to whether baptism is for them. I often shared with them that the blessings of being baptized and having the Holy Ghost conferred upon you is something that you cannot even begin to comprehend. Last week I had an opportunity to share with an investigator why waiting can also be really hard because in a different situation I had chosen to wait and to allow time to help me; however, it became more apparent that nothing would change unless I decided to get more help and act. I know that the blessings of baptism are real and as we continue to honor those covenants that we have made with our Heavenly Father that he will bless us, he will strengthen us and will give us the courage and strength to press forward.

This last week we had an opportunity to meet with Mr. Cxxxxx, who from last Sunday talked to us about the Book of Mormon and wanted to learn more about it. We scheduled a time to meet with him later in the week and as we did so we had a powerful Restoration lesson. Shortly after the lesson he realized that the Restoration of the Gospel just makes sense. He accepted the challenge to read the book of Mormon and finish it in one month. We are excited to be able to meet with him and continue to share more about the Book of Mormon and how it can help us in our lives.

I am grateful for challenges for they help us to draw closer to the Lord. I know that if we believe we can do it all by ourselves, then we are going to walk a difficult path. Trust in the Lord. I know that Jesus Christ lives. I am grateful for his never ending love and patience. I know that this church is true, and I share my testimony in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Love,

Elder Shirley